BDSM, Blackmail And Killer Radioactive Sperm? Spider-Man’s Tangled Love Life Is One Sticky Situation After Another

has led many to speculate that Gwen Stacy could appear again on film, but if she does, if she wants another crack at dating Spidey.

Peter Parker likes to come across as a quiet nerd, but in truth, the iconic superhero weaves a tangled web with the women in his life, enjoying some bizarre sexual escapades that could rival even or for their sheer incredulity.

We warn you now though. Spider-Man fans may never look at their beloved Wallcrawler the same way again once you’ve finished reading about these 7 sticky situations that our friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man has gotten himself into.

1. Gwen Stacy banged Spidey’s greatest foe before he killed her

There's fetishes and then there's Green Goblin sex

There’s fetishes and then there’s Green Goblin sex

The death of Peter’s first real girlfriend is considered by many to be the ultimate Spider-Man story; Gwen’s demise at the hands of the Green Goblin was a devastating tragedy that changed our hero forever, almost destroying him with an overwhelming sense of guilt and loss that would haunt Peter for decades to come.

Unfortunately, nothing is sacred in comics, so Marvel decided to retcon Gwen’s death in 2004 by revealing that innocent Gwen had actually cheated on Peter in the controversial “Sins Past” storyline. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Gwen’s secret lover was none other than Peter’s best friend Norman Osbourne, who later became the Green Goblin and ended up killing Gwen by throwing her off a bridge.

Wait, it gets worse. Before she died, Gwen became pregnant with Osborn’s twins, who grew up Benjamin Button style to become adults just a few short years later, seeking revenge on Spidey for his involvement in their mother’s death. Honestly, there was more drama in this one story arc than a thousand episodes of Desperate Housewives.

2. Felicia Hardy had a pretty hardcore fetish for spandex

More on those bodily fluids later, true believers.

More on those bodily fluids later, true believers.

Black Cat is undeniably one of the sexiest vigilantes in comics, putting her own spin on the sultry feline look, but she’s also got some surprising kinks that would put Christian Grey to shame.

Felicia dated Peter for quite some time in the comics, but she was only ever interested in his super alter-ego. As soon as the costume came off, Black Cat wasn’t interested anymore, presumably leading to some kinky bedroom antics involving masks and a whole lot of spandex.

This alone would make in Spider-Man: Homecoming, although it might be a bit disconcerting to see Tom Holland’s teenage Spidey explore his fetishes on screen.

3. Spider-Man blackmailed Ms Marvel into dating him

Their sexual chemistry is... yeah

Their sexual chemistry is… yeah

Spider-Man clearly has a thing for fellow super-powered hotties, as the impressive physique of Ms Marvel caught his eye on more than one occasion mid-battle. The two of them are both allies who often fight side-by-side, but when Carol Danvers tried to enlist Spidey’s help on a mission one time, the usually heroic Parker took advantage of the situation, only agreeing to help if she went on a date with him.

Rather than tell Peter to stick it up his ass, Ms Marvel agreed to go on the date, despite how irritating she finds him. The entire affair was a disaster from beginning to end, except for when the two briefly bonded over a shared love of junk food, which just says it all really. Misogyny and awkwardness at it’s finest, ladies and gentlemen.

4. Spider-Man gave Debra Whitman schizophrenia

Stupid woman! Of course he's not... oh, wait.

Stupid woman! Of course he’s not… oh, wait.

Insecurities, debt, herpes — There’s plenty of unwanted things that lovers can give each other, but mental illness probably hovers somewhere near the top of the list. Unfortunately, that’s what happens sometimes when you date your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man.

Poor Debra Whitman dated Peter for a short time and at first, things went swimmingly, but after he continued to disappear randomly to save the day, Debra began to suspect that Parker is actually Spider-Man. These suspicions intensified to the point where Debra was eventually diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and treated for her “delusions”.

When Dick Grayson figured out that Bruce Wayne is Batman, he was turned into a kick-ass sidekick. When Debra Whitman deduced Peter Parker’s secret, she was carted off to a mental institution. Good work, Spidey.

5. Spider-Man killed his wife with radioactive semen

Ew.

Ew.

Aside from Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane has always been the biggest love of Spidey’s life and the two even married eventually in the comics. Weird demonic retconning aside, Peter and Mary Jane’s love for one another is easily one of the most iconic romance stories ever created by Marvel, so it was devastating for fans when the company revealed how their marriage would finally end during a jump to the future.

Set 30 years from now, ‘Spider-Man: Reign’ portrayed an older Wallcrawler who retired from crime-fighting following the death of his beloved Mary Jane. One would assume that her demise came about during a confrontation with someone like Dr Octopus or the Green Goblin, but no. It turns out that Spider-Man killed his own wife.

Strangely though, Spidey didn’t take her life out of malice or even accidentally. No, Peter killed Mary Jane Watson by banging her too many times. Unfortunately, the radioactive spider that gave Peter his powers also irradiated his semen, so every time Spidey had sex with Mary Jane, he was actually infecting her with radioactive bodily fluids from the inside, eventually causing her to die. Condoms aren’t just for Christmas, kids.

6. Wolverine tried to bang a teenage Mary-Jane after swapping bodies with Peter

That's the look of a man who's worried that his girlfriend had sex with another guy during a Freaky Friday body swap escapade.

That’s the look of a man who’s worried that his girlfriend had sex with another guy during a Freaky Friday body swap escapade.

In the Ultimate series, Wolverine and Spidey swapped bodies one time, because, comics, but Logan took the usually hilarious body-swap shenanigans to disturbing new levels when , Peter’s long term girlfriend who just so happens to be 15 years old.

Mary Jane initiates some cute kissing with Peter, completely unaware that Wolverine’s mind has taken control and rather than gently rebuke her, Logan takes full advantage of the situation and tries to do god knows what to Mary Jane in Peter’s body.

Jokes aside, Wolverine may be in the body of Mary Jane’s boyfriend, but she’s consenting to sex with Peter, not Logan, bringing up disturbing issues of consent and sexual assault that Marvel treated with their usual light-hearted hilarity. Nice one, Marvel.

If you’re feeling a bit traumatised by all of these sticky situations, cast your minds back to a simpler time when Spider-Man used to have cute upside-down kisses with Mary Jane instead.

If there’s one lesson to be taken from this article, it’s that sex with Spider-Man never ends well. In case you’re in need of more handy life tips from the folks at Movie Pilot or are just hankering for more Spidey news, check out some more Spider-Man: Homecoming casting announcements , find out more about Marvel’s plans for a Spider-Verse in the MCU and read up on more messed up comic book scenes right .

“I swear this never happens to me.”

Who do you think is Spider-Man’s best love interest?

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