If James Wan Were A Chef And I Were Tasting His Dishes

James Wan has served up a pretty impressive menu of movies . Selecting off the cartes du jour from his directorial offerings, this is a fictional reimagining of his movies served as dishes by the chef himself and my reactions. Bon appétit.


James says: Tonight we’re eating slow-roasted, beer-braised pork shoulder with fresh coleslaw and baked potatoes. I made this once before , but I think this time it’s gonna be way better.

My response: Wow, this is great, James! I didn’t know you were such a good cook. I’m thoroughly impressed, can’t wait to see what you make next.

Dead Silence

Open wide! — 'Dead Silence'
Open wide! — ‘Dead Silence’

James says: Here’s some boiled chicken and saltine crackers.

My response: James, this is disgusting. Why the hell did you serve this to me?

Death Sentence

James says: Sorry about that, here’s a bucket of bacon-wrapped buffalo wings drowned in 16 different hot sauces.

My response: Holy crap these are spicy! This is chicken? The heat is freaking out of control, James; I can’t even tell what I’m eating. The bacon sounded like a nice touch but my scorched-earth tastebuds are utterly destroyed. Maybe spicy foods aren’t your thing.


Draaaaagon Breaaaath — 'Insidious 2'

Draaaaagon Breaaaath — ‘Insidious 2’

James says: I’m making enchiladas with cornbread and homemade guacamole.

My response: Holy crap this is delicious! I’m willing to destroy the roof of my mouth with this melted cheese magma because I must consume this whole pan!

The Conjuring

Bon Appétit!

Bon Appétit!

James says: Seeing as you liked the enchiladas so much, I’m feeling pretty confident about these carne asada tacos.

My response: ! These tacos are deliciously satisfying and have just the right amount of crunch that makes me want some more.

Insidious: Chapter 2

Don't doubt yourself, chef.

Don’t doubt yourself, chef.

James says: I want to try my hand at a Benihana-style meal.

My response: Um, OK. Hope this is as good as your enchiladas. Alright, so far it’s pretty flavorfu— JESUS! What are you doing flipping that knife so much? You’re worrying me, James. Wow, OK, I admit this is pretty tasty — yeah, this is pretty damn good.

Furious 7

Little bit of BAM! and some POW! Now we’re cooking!

James says: I want to try making pizza. I’ve seen a bunch of other guys making it and it looks pretty hard to mess up. Plus, everyone loves pizza.

My response: Not your best work, James. Sure, this is completely edible and it certainly isn’t terrible pizza, but I’m really sick of eating pizza. Why couldn’t you have ?

What other James Wan films would you want dished up?


Copy Editor at MP. It never gets easier, you just go faster.