Imagine you’re a horror hound and you want to turn all your friends into some of your favorite indulgence. But your friends are… cinemally-challenged. In other words, they don’t like horror movies. So, the object of the game is to start them off small — with some trademark slasher films. Scream is a good one, right? Of course as soon as you mention it, Tina goes and says, “Oh, yeah the MTV version!”
Damn it, Tina. No. Slashers don’t work as series and I’ve got four reasons why.
4. It Becomes too Damn Predictable
Go ahead and grab your big red marker and just draw X’s wherever you want. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Done? That was easy. After just a few episodes and a couple teenagers biting the big one, the viewer becomes conditioned to recognize the traits of doomed characters. For Scream in particular, a lot of these teens are dumb as hell. The ones that aren’t are usually the ones that survive the longest, but there’s a huge shortage of those in this TV series. You can just place your bets now. Virtually no one is making it out alive.
3. The Characters are Stupid
Is that…is that sarcastic or something? I mean…by now we’re all very familiar with slasher tropes, right? It’s like going to see Insidious Chapter 3 and knowing exactly when something’s going to pop out and scare you. It gets really quiet for about twenty seconds, then BAM!
And OF COURSE we see it coming! The characters are making stupid decisions all over the place. Killer on the loose? Oh, let’s have a party while my parents are out of town. Your girlfriend was just murdered? Better investigate by myself!
2. I Don’t Give a Flying F*ck About These Kids
Did I mention these teens are dumb? And millennial? God, they Snapchat and Tweet their way through the entire series until I want to punch the inside of my head just to get rid of all the fake product placement.
“This is what kids like, right? Snapchat and Razor scooters!” -MTV Executive Writer (probably).
Oh, and they definitely like boinking their predator teachers. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention the girl above has a nasty sexual obsession with her Goddamn teacher. And I’m supposed to like them both? I’ll take a big pass on that. The dude is creepy.
1. It Lasted WAY TOO Long…
Say it ain’t so. A second season? Goddammit.
The first season was ten episodes. Each 45 minutes. That’s 450 minutes or 7.5 hours. Even factoring in all the movies you won’t get that much time. And the killer is different in EVERY MOVIE.
About midway through the series, you start to realize that big plot point is way too obvious. So, you’re left with almost four more hours of excruciating build up to an arch you’ve already figured out ages ago. Ugh. Gimme that knife. I’m going to stab myself so I can go to the hospital where they don’t have MTV.
Just…do yourself a favor and save that 7.5 hours for something you really enjoy. Like shaving a walrus or something.