“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way” says Leo Tolstoy at the beginning of Anna Karenina. The Fast and Furious family, we assumed, seemed to be the exception to the rule: until recently, when Dwayne Johnson – a.k.a. The Rock – called a member of the cast a “candy-ass”. This was later found out to be none other than Vin Diesel himself.
Now we know their family is a uniquely fractured group of people, trying their best to put on a facade of good will, when behind the set everything is crumbling. Take a look at the last set picture, a vain attempt to maintain the illusion of goodwill:
Happy families right? No chance. This warrants a deeper, totally scientific look.
Why Is Vin Diesel Trying To Out-Alpha The Rock?
This is Vin’s pose:
And this is The Rock:
The posts of the two feuding brothers shows them diametrically opposed: whilst The Rock is on his own with hands crossed, extraordinary shoulder muscles bulging, Vin Diesel has managed to spread his hands across not one, not two, not even three, but four other people. Is this his way of proving he is a more of a man than The Rock? Alas, it simply doesn’t work. A closer inspection shows:
He’s deeply unhappy.
He realises that just having an arm bigger than the entirety of Charlize Theron –
– doesn’t fill that candy-assed hole.
The Rock on the other hand:
The Rock is sporting a strong, teethy smile. He wins the Alpha game without even trying.
But why is Diesel Sad?
Here’s a look at the whole cast again:
Does its classical beauty and symmetry remind you of anything?
Such as this:
The similarity is no coincidence.
But wait? Does this mean Vin Diesel is Jesus?
Sure that’s not enough to go on? If only there were more evidence…
Holy shit! Is that a cross? But then what does that make Theron?
The figure to Jesus’ left has traditionally been believed to be John The Apostle. This was disproven in 2003 however when Dan Brown – author of the highly influential The Da Vinci Code – wrote that the figure to the left of Jesus was in fact Mary Magdalene, who was also Jesus’ lover!
Does This Mean That Theron And Diesel Are Going Out?
This would seem to be the logical conclusion. But wait?
This isn’t the only picture.
There’s another one:
A closer look at Theron here, who hitherto was staring straight ahead, reveals where her heart lies:
With none other than this man, suns-in-my-fucking-eyes Statham?
Does This Mean That Theron Is Cheating On Vin Diesel With Jason Statham?
Not only does my photographic analysis conclusively mean that Theron is cheating on Vin Diesel with Jason Statham, everyone, including Diesel himself knows about it.
Look at how awkward Tyrese Gibson looks.
Uncle Kurt doesn’t want to say anything either:
Does This Picture Show The Reason Why The Rock Called Diesel A Candy-Ass And Ruined The Family?
Think About it.
The Rock and Diesel are best bros, like we’ve never seen before in the history of film. Diesel and Theron start dating. The Rock is really happy for him.
Then Theron, a.k.a Mary Madelene, starts cheating on him.
With Jason Statham.
Anyone else. Anyone else. Vin, a.k.a. Jesus, could beat up anyone else.
But this guy?
What’s Vin supposed to do? Can you blame him.
But The Rock couldn’t take his brother being so weak, and went onto Instagram to express his woe:
“Some conduct themselves as stand up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken s**t to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses.”
Vin, chickenshit Vin, poor overcompensating Vin:
How could you compete with this guy?
How can you compete with a man like that, a man so permanently cool he wears a Fast 8 cap?
No Vin, its over. Just like Jesus, you’ve been betrayed. You’ve ruined the family.
What Do You Think? Did We Get To The Bottom Of All This?
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