For 21+ only. Be responsible.
Use with Lethal Weapon, The Last Boy Scout, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, or Iron Man 3.
Illustrations by Ben Holmes
It’s a Saturday night, my wife is working late, and my cat is dead asleep in my office chair, so I’ve decided to take this Shane Black drinking game I’ve created for a test drive with Lethal Weapon.My wife was kind enough to concoct a special cocktail to commemorate the occasion, which she calls the Too Old for This Shit; the spirit of Detective Sergeant Murtaugh living within this delicious spin on the classic Old Fashioned, not to mention quite fitting for my old ass playing a drinking game like I’m a college freshman.Here’s the recipe: Too Old For This ShitI’m going to do my best to catalog my experience and see how long I can go before my thoughts wander. I’ve got a belly full of peanut noodles, a fresh Too Old for This Shit, a 1.75-liter bottle of Jim Beam, some water, and the GrubHub app at the ready. Here we go:8:00 p.m.: Jesus, right off the bat. Lethal Weapon kicks off with “Jingle Bell Rock”; does that count as talking about Christmas? I’m going to say it does. This is either going to be the best thing I’ve ever done or the dumbest, including that time in Atlantic City. DRINK!8:02 p.m.: This movie always weirds me out with how it starts with Jackie Swanson — Woody’s girlfriend Kelly from Cheers — naked and falling to her death. Someone should recut it with Woody’s “Kelly Kelly Kelly” song instead of the score. 8:05 p.m.: Murtaugh’s soaking in the tub. How great is it to meet a hardened cop character during tub time? I do wish he kept this beard throughout the movie, though that thought is immediately pushed out of my mind as those sweet Eric Clapton guitar riffs make their first appearance. 8:06 p.m.: Gibson butt!8:10 p.m.: Murtaugh jokes in front of not-Kelly’s dead body as he confronts a possible witness that moonlights as a working girl: “All dressed up and no one to blow.” He’s actually kind of a dick in this scene, but that’s joking in the presence of a dead body: DRINK!8:12 p.m.: Here’s Riggs, on a sting at a Christmas tree farm. DRINK!8:13 p.m.: “You think I’m crazy?” Riggs is suicidal, in case his naked cigarette-smoking butt wasn’t enough to tell you that he’d given up. This is where he slaps the dudes he’s setting up and people start blasting. That rolling-and-shooting move Riggs does is badass, though. This whole scene is Riggs displaying his death wish, poor guy. Poor me, not even 15 minutes and it’s time for a shot. BONUS SHOT!8:15 p.m.: I feel kind of guilty for making light of Riggs’s death wish, because this scene kills me every time. Riggs is putting a gun in his mouth, looking at a photo of his dead wife. This lighthearted, crazy guy we just saw in a bust is totally broken. I think all of the quips and action (and sequels) let people forget how great and intuitive of an actor Gibson really is.8:17 p.m.: Intense Riggs scene gets a brief interruption by a Christmas-themed Bugs Bunny cartoon — thankfully — DRINK!8:18 p.m.: Ugh, back to the wrenching of the heart. “I miss you…” I should’ve added “drink every time Riggs breaks your heart.” 8:19 p.m.: Cops in the precinct are hanging out, practicing their Christmas caroling. Like cops often do. DRINK!8:19 p.m.: This scene with Mary Ellen Trainor as the psychologist and Steve Kahan as the LAPD captain is the one scene in this movie I don’t care for. “The man is suicidal!” We just saw him with a gun in his mouth, guys. Way to hammer it home.8:20 p.m.: Classic line: “The guys of the ’80s aren’t tough, they’re sensitive people.” Behold! The era of the delicate flowers Stallone, Lundgren, Van Damme, Norris, Schwarzenegger.8:21 p.m.: There it is! “I’m too old for this shit!” Taking a drink just because. It’s the name of my damn beverage. I might regret it later. DRINK!8:22 p.m.: “I suppose we have to register you as a lethal weapon,” says Murtaugh to Riggs. Always a huge pop from me when they say the title of the movie in the movie. Happens in The Last Boy Scout, too. 8:23 p.m.: This first scene of Riggs and Murtaugh together is chock-full of gems. It’s like watching a fire catch instantaneously before you can even consider stopping it. One of the best Shane Black lines ever was when Murtaugh says, “God hates me, that’s what it is.” Riggs replies: “Hate him back. Works for me.”8:26 p.m.: McAllister says “Merry Christmas” to that little coked-up jerk that can’t deal with Mr. Joshua’s high threshold of pain. DRINK! That ends this glass of Too Old for This Shit. I’m pausing the movie for a minute to refill. 8:31 p.m.: I made a new drink, but it’s not as good as when my wife makes it. Honestly, I’m kind of concerned that we’re only a half hour in and I feel pretty buzzed. It was that bonus shot early on that did it, I think. At least these giant bottles of Beam are only $20 at BevMo!. 8:32 p.m.: I love Tom Atkins. Never in any world would I believe that Jackie Swanson was his daughter, but I will say that Halloween III: Season of the Witch is super underappreciated. 8:34 p.m.: Riggs and Murtaugh are grabbing a hot dog in Koreatown and The Lost Boys is playing at The Wiltern. Some Warner Bros. cross promotion there! They even call The Lost Boys “this year’s hit” in Lethal Weapon, even though this movie came out in March of ‘87 and The Lost Boys months later in July. Subliminal messaging works — The Lost Boys was indeed a hit.
8:36 p.m.: Riggs is heading out onto the ledge to “help” the jumper — who until now I thought was William Ragsdale from Fright Night, but it’s not — and wishes him a “Merry Christmas.” DRINK!8:38 p.m.: And there’s the Riggs death wish again, even though he’s saving a dude — but judge’s ruling (me) is that it counts as a bonus shot. This movie might kill me. BONUS SHOT!8:41 p.m.: Mary Ellen Trainor once again stating the obvious: “I think Riggs has a death wish, that’s what it is!” No shit, lady. I’m drinking because of it.8:42 p.m.: “I’m too old for this shit,” Again! Drinking, because it’s the right thing to do. DRINK!8:45 p.m.: Some rando came out of the house in Beverly Hills and said “Merry Christmas.” DRINK!8:46 p.m.: Murtaugh just shot a dude in the leg at the Beverly Hills house. He’s the less abrasive partner, so I guess I need to take a shot. My rules are dumb. BONUS SHOT!8:48 p.m.: There’s an Alka-Seltzer commercial on screen, which actually sounds pretty good right about now.8:52 p.m.: I’m pausing the movie again because I need a new Too Old for This Shit and my head feels like it’s in the trash compactor scene from A New Hope. I need to find some food. 8:55 p.m.: I shoved some Slim Jims in my mouth. Four, actually. An old boss sent me a giant box of them as a wedding present (it makes sense in the context of our relationship, I promise), so I just dove in. I also took the leftover bag of stale Tostitos I had in my cupboard. I wish Taco Bell delivered, I could go for one of those Fritos burritos on the Dollar menu. 9:01 p.m.: Wait, is Murtaugh’s cat named Burbank?9:04 p.m.: I just ordered GrubHub — mozzarella sticks and hot wings from some place called Brooklyn Pizza & Pasta. As a rule I don’t order food from places with a city in the title because it’s always shit, but it was the first search result and I don’t have the wherewithal to search any deeper. Fuck it, man.9:14 p.m.: Reebo, my cat, finally left the office chair and came to snuggle on the couch with me. Also, Tom Atkins is monologuing about his time at Shadow Company. Fun fact! Shadow Company was Black’s first screenplay.9:18 p.m.: Just realized that I haven’t had a drink in quite a while.9:19 p.m.: Spoke too soon. Riggs was just blasted by Mr. Joshua! That counts as a character you thought was shot to death but is actually totally fine. Dammit. BONUS SHOT! I Hope my mozzy sticks come soon. 9:22 p.m.: Riggs and Murtaugh learn that Murtaugh’s daughter was kidnapped. A character is kidnapped? DRINK! This game was too good, I guess. Also, how did no one in the Murtaugh household know?9:24 p.m.: Regretting my GrubHub order, to be honest. I know I didn’t need it. But mozzy sticks, guys. 9:35 p.m.: I have the hiccups. My wife swears by drinking a glass of water upside down. It works every time, too. I’m gonna do it in a sec, but it’s real hard.9:40 p.m.: “There’s no more heroes left in the world.” Bam! Enter Riggs! So fucking good.9:46 p.m.: “No way you live. No way.” Murtaugh blows away the driver — BONUS SHOT! I honestly don’t remember Murtaugh shooting this many people in the first movie.9:50 p.m.: There’s a clip of A Christmas Story and Mr. Joshua says ”Merry Christmas.” TWO FUCKING DRINKS! Also, that epic fight in the water between Riggs and Mr. Joshua is coming but my GrubHub is about to get here so… I’m pausing this for a hot minute. 9:59 p.m.: These mozzarella sticks are garbage. Didn’t even send any marinara sauce. Big thumbs down for Brooklyn Pizza & Pasta. Wings suck, too.10:03 p.m.: “Break his fuckin’ neck!” This fight might be the best fisticuffs on screen, rivaling that six-minute brawl in They Live. 10:04 p.m.: Murtaugh helps Riggs shoot Mr. Joshua, blasting him to hell and solidifying their relationship forever — or at least three more movies. Also: BONUS SHOT!10:06 p.m.: This final scene with Riggs and Murtaugh is brutal for those playing along. Christmas mentioned twice, plus “I’ll be Home for Christmas” playing, plus one last “I’m too old for this shit,” which I’ve stupidly made into an addendum on this particular round, given my drink of choice. So that’s FOUR DRINKS!10:09 p.m.: Thank you for enduring this. The “Lethal Weapon” song is on — I miss the days when every movie had a song based on the title and/or plot. Final Thoughts: This drinking game fucking works. Illustrations by Ben Holmes